The HOA Serves an Eviction Notice
Plus: (Chopping) Block Party updates, shield wall, changes to HOA fees
Lowly hoveldwellers, this is but the latest in a series of missives betwixt the Hovel Owners Association of Garthbrook and its contemptible residents. Previous communications can be read hereabouts, hereabouts, hereabouts, and hereabouts.
HEAR YE! HEAR YE! I HEREBY CALL TO ORDER THE HOVEL OWNERS AſSOCIATION OF THE MARGRAVATE OF GARTHBROOK.
[Historian, please record that my call to order sounded pompous, but in a goode way.]
Despite management’s exhortations that we care not for the lot of thee, and that this HOA, in all its splendor, shall not stoop so low as to make thy lives more livable, we nonetheless have received yet another stream of letters begging we lend an ear to the travails of our insufferable denizens.
You will notice we have not conducted our typical roll call prior to calling this meeting to order. During last meeting’s roll call many of you said you were “Only here for the snacks,” rather than to supplicate thyselves before the HOA’s infinite wisdom. On top of that, in looking throughst the crowd today, I see a plethora of begrimed faces whom were not invited to the meeting in the first place (i.e., peasants), and therefore have no right to be recorded as being officially present.
[Historian, please strike the names of all filthy peasants from the attendance sheet.]
Before we begin, there is one new HOA Board Member I would like to recognize. You may know him as the guy who occasionally lights thy roof on fire or beats up thy grandmother when thou art late on rent. Give a hearty feudal welcome to our new HOA Chief Mindless Goon, Harold Mann (formerly known as “Hentch Mann”). Harold has been an excellent
slave employee of the HOA for years, and I’m confident that his callous, harebrained enforcement tactics are just what this community needs to ensure continued compliance with HOA bylaws.
Please be sure to bid Harold congratulations when you see him (just don’t shake his hand, for he has contracted a strange skin fungus which seems to be fatal to everyone except him).
Thusly, let us commence.
AGENDA ITEM THE FIRſT - A REVIEW OF LAſT MEETING’S MINUTES
The HOA’s Annual (Chopping) Block Party is fast approaching. Many of thee have volunteered to bring cake, but only a few of thee have volunteered to get thine heads chopped off. Harold will be taking head measurements after this meeting concludes, so please see him if you’re interested in signing up. If we don’t receive enough willing volunteers, the unwilling shall be voluntold. STATUS - STILL SEEKING CHOPPEE VOLUNTEERS
Plague Body Disposal Day shall continue to run on Thursdays. Thank you Body Disposal Guy Humbert, and his assistant L’Humbert, for all the work you do. I honestly can’t believe you guys are still alive. STATUS - CLOSED
Mauve houses. The hovels that were previously painted mauve, in violation of the HOA’s policy to only paint hovels in earth or blood tones, have since been smeared with blood and soot. Can’t tell if this was on purpose or as a side effect of the ongoing siege, but many thanks for your compliance. STATUS - CLOSED
The window in 22C. Jorgensson from our facilities crew was despatched to board up the window and chastise the inhabitants for being so pompous (in a bad way) as to install a window. But apparently he helped them construct an even pompouser window, in strict violation of HOA building code, which prohibits sunlight from entering the domiciles of peasants. Luckily, both 22C and Jorgensson were destroyed completely in a subsequent trebuchet strike. STATUS - CLOSED. SOMEBODY PLEASE CLEAN UP JORGENSSON
Reminder not to swim in the Moat during Moat Monster feeding tyme. Once again, some of thee didst fyck around and didst findeth out. The Moat Monster hath now grown so fat on flesh that it is nigh on useless as a beast of war. STATUS - SEEKING PERSONAL TRAINER AND/OR DIETICIAN FOR MOAT MONSTER
AGENDA ITEM THE ſECOND - THE FIXING-THE-HOLE-IN-THE-RAMPARTS PROJECT
As most of you are aware, the massive hole in the castle’s outer wall has been quite the nuisance. What with the siege and the enemy troops constantly storming through the breach, it has protracted the war and prevented the HOA from devoting our resources to other pressing matters, like new satin drapes for my drawing room.
The project to repair said hole is progressing nicely, but not as fast as we would like. Thus, we will be raising HOA fees to accelerate the project, and, King willing, complete it in tyme for the Block Party.
If any residents have an issue with this, please speak to Harold Mann. He will be happy to change your mind, by any means necessary.
AGENDA ITEM THE THIRD - NEWE BUſYNEſS
Garson Burpwhiff the Elder hath requested to build a new phallus-shaped goat track so that his son may train his racing goats thereupon. The HOA hath voted overwhelmingly in favour of construction. I’ve always said this fief could use a few more speedy goats rounding the tip.
DECISION - APPROVED
The portcullis-to-portcullis selling-men
Lady Valtesse de La Boing writes:
A selling-man rapped upon my portcullis yestereve and when I bade him remove mine nayme from his scroll he did produce nearly a score of scrolls from his satchel … I demand the HOA address this situation forthwith.
Madame de La Boing, if thou desires not to have selling-men rapping upon thy portcullii, mayhaps remove any portcullii upon which can be rapt. The point of a portcullis is to be rapt upon, and I see no way around this.
It is management’s decision that portcullis rapping shall continue, so long as the selling-men “donate” five-and-twenty percent of any profits gained to the Ramparts Reconstruction Project.
DECISION - PORTCULLIS RAPPING SHALL BE TAXED AND SHALL CONTINUE UNABATED
Shield wall approval
General Noosantz writes from the front lines of the siege:
Does the shield wall count as a wall for which we need HOA say-so? Rather a lot of the enemy are storming through here as my scribe writes this. A few have stabbed him.
Noosantz, you flaccid excuse for a man-of-arms! HOA bylaws give blanket approval for the construction of shield walls during active enemy attacks. Build the shield wall! Build the shield wall!
Side note: As I just saw what appeared to be General Noosantz’s head fly through the air o’er the gate, whatever idiot is next in command is authorized to carry out these orders in his absence.
DECISION - APPROVED. BUILD THE SHIELD WALL NOW!
Baked goodes for the Block Party
Danwillow Glomwater hath confirmed that Madame Sidewank from the esteemed bakery on Whorehouse Street will be plying her wares at the Block Party.
Most excellent news!
I long for the sweet release of her fresh-baked bagels, as I’m sure do many of her other longtyme customers. My mouth, and many other orifices, are watering just thinking about it.
DECISION - YUM!
AGENDA ITEM THE FOURTH - EVICTION NOTICE IN CAſE OF RANDYWINE GREYBUſH, “WYZARD EXTRAORDINAIRE”
Randywine, you sallow-eared wilting codswallop,
Let it be known that you are hereby evicted from your dwelling in the Margravate of Garthbrook, ne’er to return to these lands or to establish residence thereupon, on pain of a very firm admonition from HOA management.
The complaints against thee are manifold:
Perpetual lateness on rent. Or otherwise paying with fool’s gold conjured via dark alchemy, in violation of HOA policy that at most 50% of one’s rent can be paid in transmutated base metals. Although please leave thy alchemical cookbook, as we would like to try some of the quiche recipes.
Flying thy dragons in restricted airspace. During a tyme of war, no less. You put this entire fiefdom in danger with your reckless flight plans and lack of adherence air traffick control regulations.
Scrivening unsolicited love letters to wenches, crones, and other unwed female residents. True, they are unwed and many of them are seeking some stave. But the lust-magick with which thou seals thy letters is mighty uncouth and does not align with the values of our community, which are that you must ask their father to review all lustful letters first. Love shall e’er evade thee, Randywine, for you are incapable of being loved.
You have ten days to vacate thy property so that we might rent it out to a more upstanding sorcerer. You are henceforth barred from attending all HOA events and utilizing HOA facilities, to include:
Attendance at the HOA Block Party (except as a Choppee, if so desired, in which case please sign up with Harold)
Use of the community hole that everyone poops in
Use of the community stream that everyone bathes in, drinks out of, and occasionally poops in
Use of the community plague body cart for disposing of plague bodies
Casting spells for alms in the publick square
Use of the other community stream that’s used to warsh thine arse when there’s too much poop in the first one
Remember to sign up for the Block Party and get thy heads measured on the way out. For those of thee that signed up for choppee duty last year but survived a botched execution, Harold still has your measurements, and we’ve already put you down as volunteers again this year. (Looking at you, Thangmar. Your neck has healed nicely, by the way.)
Lord Spearl Talbotshire
Lord of Garthbrook and President, Hovel Owner’s Association
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