A Robot Took My Job, but I Probably Deserved It for Banging His Wife

What a tangled web we weave when first we try to robo-bang.

Photo by Sufyan on Unsplash

Robots, automation, artificial intelligence. Yeah, I know a thing or two about them. Like many Americans, I’ve seen my job, my career, my life crushed under the weight of technological progress. In mankind’s relentless march forward in pursuit of perfection, we have cast aside that which we hold most dear: mankind itself.

But maybe we had it coming.

Case in point: I recently lost my job to a robot, but honestly I probably deserved it for banging his wife.

I think I have a right to be mad at management for letting me go. They said they were cutting costs, automating the rote tasks performed by us tried-and-true meat sacks. But I can’t be too mad at Joe3000 — the robot that replaced me — after the way I absolutely nailed the shit out of his missus.

It was a little awkward, the day the boss told me to pack my things. It took everything in my power to calm down the other guys at the office.

“The robots will take all our jobs!” Rick complained. He raised his fists in the air like he was about to go in there and knock Joe3000 upside the CPU.

“No,” I said. I recognized Joe3000 from the pictures in his bedroom. The way he looked at me as he sat down at my now-former desk, I knew he knew, too. “This one is personal.”

I proceeded to tell them how one night, in early November, I saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen eyeing me from across the bar. She sat there alone. There was loneliness in those eyes, but also love. So much unrequited love.

She told me how her husband had gone cold these past years. How he wasn’t the robot she knew when she first paid $800,000 to have him custom built by a robotics lab in Milwaukee.

“It’s like he’s on auto pilot,” she told me. Even after she installed an app to manually override his auto pilot feature, they continued to grow apart.

One thing led to another, and she took me back to her place – Joe3000 was traveling for work (typical) – and we made love. Sweaty, dirty, nasty love.

She warned me her husband would find out. “He sees everything,” she said. Internet of Things. He had a constant feed into his robot brain from devices all around the house, could hear every sweet moan as we writhed in ecstasy. But I didn’t care.

Maybe I should have. In a few weeks my job was gone, and all I was left with were memories of a lust-filled night with Joe3000’s wife.

I’m not one to hold a grudge. Even after Joe3000 took my job, I don’t hold it against him, or against robots in general. I prefer to let bygones be bygones. Forgive and forget. But not Joe. He can’t forget. Won’t forget. His memory is backed up to servers on three continents. The thought of me plowing his wife in a seemingly endless night of carnal desire will live on in his hard drive forever.

In the end, I don’t know who got the worse end of the deal. Me? I’ll land on my feet. But Joe’s marriage will never be the same. Every time he lays down to bed he’ll think of the intense and intricate pleasures I bestowed upon his bride on that fateful night.

Maybe they’ll work through it. For her sake I hope they do. He’s got a new job, a fresh start. Maybe a fresh start for their marriage, too.

He’d just better not introduce her to the guys at the office, because Chad from accounting would totally hit that.

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Jan Lionsnest is the esteemed scribe at

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