All-Seeing, All-Powerful God Needs You to Hand Out Pamphlets by the Walking Trail

Look, He's just not that great at marketing.

Then God said, “Let ye, who have time on Saturday, head down to the multi-use path with a pile of pamphlets about Me.” For He was the way, the truth, and whatnot, but He was not that good with marketing, and needed volunteers to pull their weight.

“Yea verily,” said God, “Blessed be to those who park on the south side of the lot, for there be the most shade in the afternoon. But arrive early, and bring a bottle of water and a snack.”

And lo, volunteers did go to Kohl’s and grab some new slacks on sale. And when they had enleggened those slacks, further did they swaddle themselves in a button-down.

Then God said, “Watch out for dogs on crazy-long leashes.” And the volunteers saw that dogs were, for the most part, nice to pat, but occasionally too crotch-sniffy. Or woe! Perhaps getting long leashes tangled up with baby strollers. For they be good dogs, but perhaps not knowledgeable about how ropes work.

Then God said, “Thus you shall stand near the multi-use path and smile at everyone. Be ye not too creepy. For if thine smile is not too creepy, someone trying to get their kids to exercise might be at a low point, and thus consider taking a pamhplet, and, lo, worship me.”

Then God added, “Or I’m also cool with them burning in Hell forever. Amen.”