Boss Lists Obvious Benefits of Remote Work as Though They Are Blowing His Mind

You mean... you guys actually like this remote work stuff?

Just wanted to say thanks for everyone’s energy here. I was speaking semi-rhetorically before but I can see from the volume of responses that this is something I should address with you guys. Let’s just take these one by one.

You Can Work from Anywhere

Guys, you can already work from anywhere. Pretty much. There’s your cubicle, someone else’s cubicle, plus calling in from home on days off. Where else would you want to go?

Do you have a pod-based coffee machine at home? Heck no! I mean, yeah, okay, ours has been on the fritz for a while but still. It’s in there.

A More Flexible Schedule

A lot of people find freedom to be too confining. Ever heard of the concept of being paralyzed by choice?

You could end up like, “Ugh, I don’t know whether to take my kid to the doctor or watch videos or do laundry, oh god, it’s killing me!”

It just makes so much more sense to be here at the office to check in with me. That way, I can say, yeah, maybe do take your kid to the doctor… if you’re absolutely sure that whatever they’ve got is more important than work.

Enhanced Productivity

Look, I don’t want to point fingers here but Jeff, Cherie, and Daniel, I think you guys are specifically working harder at home to make me look bad. Sorry for literally pointing my finger at each of you but I’m pretty steamed.

Do you have any idea how this makes me look? I’ll schedule one-on-ones with each of you to talk further about your productivity and a second one-one-one to talk about how this makes me look.

Less Interaction with Office Politics

All right, God damn it, this is exactly what I’m talking about. You want to be left out of office politics? I feel like my face and the back of my neck are being eaten by ants.

I am counting on you guys to help me in the departmental struggle to gain square footage from neighboring sub-departments. Is that office politics? Well? Is it?

You guys all know I tried to sleep with Danielle but hid it from Greg but then Niall told Greg — That dick! — and now our square footage could be slashed. Do you think that’s office politics too? Jeez!

Do you want less square footage? Oh you’d like that wouldn’t you? You don’t even turn your cameras on! That’s screen square footage, guys! Auuugh!