CEO Q&A Session Tragically Cut Short When Employees All Will Themselves Into a Coma

A miracle, I tell you. A miracle!

Photo by Hernan Sanchez on Unsplash

The business community is in disarray this week as thought leaders attempt to process the apparently self-induced mass coma event at technology giant Dook. Nearly 300 employees simultaneously entered a vegetative state from which they did not emerge for close to an hour.

The event occurred during a manditory-in-person-attendance CEO Q&A session featuring company head, Otto Dutch. As recorded on the livestream, at approximately 10:59 local time, Dutch was giving remarks.

“I noticed some of the employees began to nod a little bit,” said Dutch. “At first I wrote it off as something that could be handled by HR’s disciplinary operatives. But then I realized those operatives nodded off too.”

One Poor CEO’s Desperate Struggle to be Heard

Dutch says he began to suspect something out of the ordinary was taking place after he’d answered the rest of the questions he’d prepared for himself.

“After I’d leadershipped the questions out of the PR employee’s hand and shared my leadership regarding them, I stood up to receive my applause but got only silence.”

Dutch says he was, at this point, “very disappointed.” He then departed the auditorium and was taken by his driver to another appointment at a different company at which he also serves as CEO.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

In the Shadow of the Chairman, a Chair Man

The lifeless employees were discovered by Dave Glass, who arrived at noon to stack the chairs.

Glass said, “I saw my friend Gary slumped over on a box of bagels, and I knew right away something was wrong. Gary would never sleep on a work bagel. We all have to chip in for those.”

Glass’s frantic yells as he realized the entire auditorium was in a coma started to bring a few of them back to consciousness. “It seemed like as soon as they realized Mr. Dutch was gone they were glad to come back to life,” he said.

Irene Denner says it’s terrifying in retrospect, but describes the experience itself as, “Honestly? Pretty peaceful.”

Dook Leadership Says It is Working Tirelessly to Prevent Lasting Damage to Shareholders

The Dook employees appear to have returned to their normal selves without lasting damage. Medical researchers, human resources operatives, and even the employees who managed to self-induce the comas are all, so far, baffled.

“Really though, we have to think of the shareholders,” said CEO Dook. “That is our solemn mission. It’s what we strive for. And, when you think about it, what leadership really means is…” Dook then disconnected from the Zoom call in the middle of his statement.

It is unclear why Dook hung up as of press time, but insiders report that support staff had again entered a coma and one fell on his laptop.