Dear Other Dark Lord: My Usual Dark Lord Has Been Captured by Dark Forces Known as his Wife and Family. What Do?
Whom or what should I sacrifice?
Dear Other Dark Lord,
O, despair, Lord!
My usual Dark Lord, who communicates through the unholy portal ofand , has been captured by forces of truly unimaginable darkness. Namely, his lovely evil partner and their adorable demonic spawn.
O, gnashing of teeth!
O, changing of diapers!
He states that he is choosing to do this of his own volition. He wants to serve as a father, husband, and upstanding member of his community.
Frankly, Lord, I am not hearing in any of this that he is thinking of me.
You are, of course, omniscient, omnipotent, and all-around omni-amazeballs, but if you’ve not had a chance to read my Dark Lord’s departing missive it’s here:
As I say, Other Dark Lord, I feel completely left out of these dark deliberations. What should I do?
First of all, Doug, let me say that it is standard practice when writing to one’s Dark Lord to come up with a catchy name, like “Wandering the Hellish Halls,” or “Brimstone is My Gemstone.” We don’t just put, “Doug.” Hells balls, man. Put some effort in.
That aside, your situation does sound serious. But I advise you to let sleeping Dark Lords lie. Not because you fear their hellish retribution, as such — because, let’s face it, you’d be obliterated utterly along with your fear, so, as we Dark Lords often say, “no big whoop” — but because of the babies.
Yeah. Laugh if you want but babies will fuck your shit up. The very forces that have enmired your Dark Lord will spaghettify your ass faster than a supermassive black hole’s event horizon ever could.
Secondly, have you considered going outside once in a while? Naturally, you spend much of your time in deeply-hooded robes in the dank depths worshipping all manner of darkness. All that is groovy.
But, you know, even we Dark Lords appreciate a well-rounded supplicant. Maybe go topside for a bit. Think about things. Yeah? Also, not for nothing, but maybe wash that robe, Doug.
Yours in Swirling Putrid Darkness Through Which Doug’s Robe Can Still be Smelt,
Chitenous Chittering Master of Bleakness, Flayer of Buttocks, Devourer of Restful Sleep, Splank the Hell-Serpent
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