Dental Industry Announces Monthly Pricing for Ad-Free Smart Fillings
Take a big bite out of these new offerings
Though the United States Dental Coalition maintains that most users actually prefer the ad-supported pricing tiers, they announced an industry-wide ad-free tier this morning starting at $14.99 per person.
“I couldn’t be more excited about this,” said Pearl Eveitz, USDC spokesperson.
Eveitz emphasized that the smart implant technology would “completely disrupt” dental care at low or no cost, adding, “We’re changing the world!”
Talkative Teeth
While a number of companies have developed fillings, the technology is broadly similar across the board.
A tiny module with power supply, radio, and piezo speaker is sealed inside the patient’s tooth as part of a routine root canal or dental implant. The module then enters a “learning” phase to determine the best times to activate. Finally, it uses bone conduction to play audio advertisements only the wearer can hear.
“Our content has been a huge success,” said Eveitz. “We curate only the best products and services, choose the best times to introduce them to our users, and even remind them regularly to accept our terms of service changes.”
Eveitz also stressed that if users had “forgotten,” to turn on notifications in the USDC smartphone app, their teeth would remind them anyway. “And when your favorite advertisement comes on, you can even share it with others by touching your head to theirs to enjoy the bone conducted audio together.”
No Conceivable Downside
The technology has faced some backlash from patients who say that the implants have been placed into their teeth without their knowledge or consent. Others claim the implant isn’t as small as they were led to believe and is now sticking out of their teeth.
But most of the complaints revolve around what some patients have called, “ear-splitting volume.”
Eveitz brushed these off, saying, “Are we innovating quickly? Absolutely. That means there will be some edge cases that don’t go to plan. But rest assured, the absolute beating heart of our business, the billing department, never stops.”
Eveitz then closed the press conference by repeating, three times, that she and her industry are changing the world.