Dying Cat Spends Final Day Living Out Owners Mistaken Impression of What Cats Like

Toasting your life with all the things you hated

Photo by Pietro Schellino on Unsplash

Beansie, a 21 year old cat nearing the end of its life, spent an annoying final day this week being treated to various experiences he completely despised.

Sources say the thoroughly un-enjoyable final experience is all thanks to Beansie’s owner, Bernard Card, 71, having completely misunderstood what, if anything, Beansie actually liked.

So Long, Old Friend

“A lot of people say that cats don’t like being on a leash,” said Card, correctly. He then continued, wholly incorrectly, “But Beansie always loved going to the park with me. He didn’t mind the leash at all.”

Beansie, in fact, despised the park, the leash, the smell of the park, and the kids in the park with their stinky hands. If Beansie could have located and operated a flamethrower he’d have joyfully torched the park to cinders and ordered the children to learn how to clean themselves properly.

Now barely able to lift his body onto his legs, Beansie lacked the strength to tear Card’s face off for taking him back to the damnable park. But he enjoyed thinking about it as if he still could.

A Fitting Tribute

Card next treated Beansie to a trip to the groomers.

“Beansie has always been a handsome cat,” said Card, truthfully. “I think he always appreciated being taken to the groomers,” he concluded incorrectly.

The groomers in question were, in fact, primarily dog groomers and only took cats as an afterthought. To Beansie, the whole experience was basically just being treated like a dog for a while, which is to say, being treated roughly by careless clods in order to achieve a goal beneath his natural station.

Beansie endured the final grooming mostly because he lacked the physical and emotional strength to protest.

Know that You Are Loved

Card then treated Beansie to a tin of food he loathed, a lounge in the window which he liked well enough while being stroked too roughly by Card, and a sniff of some catnip so old it might as well have been stairway dust.

When the end came, Beansie summoned all his strength as if he knew what was coming, then, with strength no one would have guessed he still commanded, threw himself on the veterinarian’s needle.

“Well,” remarked the vet. “I never saw that before.”