EARNINGS REPORT: We Won't be Investigating Your Abuse
It's time to put our people first. And by "our people" I mean me.
Great news! The board was able to get together for an emergency zoom. We got all the latest numbers. Hashed a few things out. Here’s the upshot: profits are through the roof and your investigation is off the table.
You are doing great work out there. And even if you weren’t, your family and industry contacts continue to serve our business so well that investigating you in any way would represent an existential crisis. Any employee who can’t make that bargain with themselves needs to work somewhere else anyway.
Hey, maybe they’re asking to be abused by working here! So, in a way, you are kind of doing them a favor, right? LOL! But seriously, these last three sentences represent more than the board intends to do.
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