Experts Fear Open War Between Flushable Wipes Companies and Plumbers Union
Put that down your drain, bucko.
Tensions have risen and clashes have escalated between corporations selling so-called “flushable” wipes and US plumbers union. While most clashes have been minor to this point — including mild bruising due to being hit with a plunger or staples in the arm — experts fear open war may soon be inevitable.
“We never asked for this,” said Doug Poorly, plumber and union representative. “We tried everything to get these companies to stop peddling their pipe-clogging nonsense. They won’t come to the negotiating table. They won’t stop lying. We’re left with no choice.”
As Poorly spoke to reporters, a trebuchet made out of schedule 40 pipe wheeled into place, aimed ominously at the Flushico lines.
Ideological Clogs
Across the trenches, Flushico representative Priva Tequity said they’re just defending their customers. “People love our product, which is safe for their plumbing. And I mean both their home plumbing and their physical, human plumbing that starts at their mouths and ends at their butts.”
Tequity said the plumber’s union had been infiltrated by radical leftists preaching toilet socialism, and that the plumber’s complaint about the wipes was really just a mask for a deep hatred of success.
Poorly disagreed. “In the short term we benefit from flushable wipes. We get called to come out and unclog them. But long term? Disaster.”
All Quiet on the Flushable Front
Bystanders didn’t seem convinced by either side’s arguments.
“I don’t know, I mean, they are pretty easy to use,” said Phil Urbowl, chili connoisseur and occasional flushable wipes user. “But big companies are trash, so, whatever they’re doing is probably bad.”
Urbowl shrugged. “Alls I know is I’m not getting an itchy porthole as often.”
Flushico rep Tequity reiterated that consumers weren’t the problem. In her view, the plumbers are. “They hate us because we’re innovators,” said Tequity. “We are disrupting, bringing people together, changing the world. They hate all that.”
As she spoke, a tank could be heard rumbling into position. Tequity keyed her radio. “Tell them to go around,” she said. “They’ll never get through- what? Stuck? How did they get it stuck?”
Tequity pulled her earpiece out in apparent disgust, adding, “Oh for fuck’s sake.”