GOP Blindsided, Enraged by New Biden Tactic of Popular Policies

He can't do that! Can he?

Photo by Manny Becerra on Unsplash

Republican operatives from coast to coast were bowled over and filled with rage this afternoon as the Biden team announced yet another policy popular with American voters, a blanket pardon for minor federal marijuana charges.

“That son of a bitch. He can’t do that!” said Jerry Mandering, (R, South Dakota). “It’s damn near cheating to even think of policies people like, let alone enact them. Whatcha gotta do is fall in love with Kim Jong Un. That’s politickin’!”

“This is just yet another cynical play by the radical left to stay in power,” said Dig Bipshit, (R, Mississippi). “What’s really important here is immigration, crime, the immigration of crime, crime by immigrants, and criminality on the part of criminal crime-ridden crime-doers. Who are also immigrants. In a caravan.” Bipshit then spoke briefly with his staff and returned to the microphone to add, “Please be civil to me. I’m not racist.”

Shata Whithead, (R, Florida) was apparently unable to speak, responding to reporters’ requests for comments with a series of voicemails which sounded like high-pitched shrieks. In a video response emailed to reporters by Whithead’s staff from his official account, he appeared to tear his shirt off and then eat it.