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We are filled with rage at being associated with history’s most famous evil group merely because our words and deeds are their simulacrum. That’s why we, the group disparagingly referred to as “Grammar Nazis,” — Ugh! — are officially re-branding.

While our preferred group name is now “Grammar Freedom Caucus,” you may also hear us referred to colloquially as “Grammar Conservatives,” or possibly the “Grand Old Pedants.” We do not object to these appellations. Suffice it to say, don’t call us Grammar Nazis or you may discover we’ve coördinated your murder.

We stridently object to any use of English which we deem to be outside the rules thereof as taught to the objecting member at the time of that member’s primary education. If those guidelines run contrary to one another and thus cause cognitive dissonance, good. You reveal yourself as our enemy by noticing.

For this reason, you may be murdered by one of our members for using “a lot” as one word: “alot.” Or, if that member was born a decade later, you may be murdered for injecting the space: “a lot.” Rest assured, where grammar-related murders are concerned, as long as we have anything to say about it, there will be many.

P.S. Stop messaging us about spelling. Spelling is not grammar, idoits!