I Am Determined to Protect Your Data Against Foreign Corporations That Aren't Lobbying Me

Whatever data is, I care about it.

Photo by Ben Rosett on Unsplash

My staff and I take the security of your data very seriously. That’s why I join my colleagues in their concern about the telephone application of Timtock.

Your red butted American children might think they are merely dancing in a public place. But behind the scenes, quietly, without your knowledge, people are paying a lot of money. Some of that money goes to me. And that’s why I listen to those people. And here’s what they say: Timtock-

Sorry, I’m being told it’s “TimBuck.”’ No? Jeepers cornhusks, who can remember this stuff?

Forget it. Listen. Let me be clear. At the end of the day, I know that you, like I, am concerned with informaclon secreturity. Trust me, there’s shedloads of stuff I don’t want to be defrocked.

Of course, I love taking part in the American legislative money process. But more importantly, I want the lizard man to never come to my office again. He is a terrifying abomination. I can only bear to look at him when his aides obscure his face with his money. But he’s right about this much: Tikburp has to go.

We have all grown up with the same shared American values: that there is a deeply ingrained American caste system which we never address. My closest advisors have stressed to me that upholding that standard is lucrative.

And there’s nothing this office values more than American flag lapel pins. The lobbyists give us free ones with their money.

Look out into the world. Cast your gaze over your fellow man. Are any of them wealthy enough to lobble me? If so, we are, at last, talking about data that is interesticated.