I'm Your Server and I'm Barely Getting Paid to Ruin Your Conversation

Are y'all choking down those calories? Good, now beat it.

Hey guys, welcome in, I’m Jim and tonight’s special is barely-contained desperation. As you can see, should your family ever put their phones down, one of our thousands of TVs will swoop down onto their face to replace it. Hope you like sports. I assume most of this is sports.

I don’t want you to have a bad experience per se. But I’m also barely paid to do this and I am incentivized to turn this table over as quickly as possible. So, if you are a little uncomfortable and scram that much faster, remember to bang in a tip. Please. (Really.)

I see that you, sir, are wearing a neck-gaiter as a lets-go-brandon style performance relating to our masking policy, which I neither implemented nor give a single owl poop about. I have also noted your partner’s significant look, letting me know you are ready and willing to be a giant problem. Thank you for that, ma’am but I already read the room.

But let’s forget about all that. You guys just take a moment. It feels good to be off your feet. Everyone is smiling for once, and-

What do we think? Are y’all ready to order?!

Hey! Me again. You almost had that moment. You’ve been dreaming of it. That moment when you get to really connect with your family. You could sense the kids were maybe ready to listen. You nearly got to enjoy them as you imagined having kids would be. When you could set aside for a moment the feelings of guilt at having to nag them, but at the same time the huge responsibility you have to send them into the world as functioning people. Maybe you almost reached out to hold your partner’s hand. Let me recommend the bacon-wrapped whatevers.

Think about it for a second, though. Could we really, just for a moment-

How is everything tasting? Good?!

Okay, it looks like you and your crew have just about finished stuffing yourselves. Time for that check? Great. I hope I’ve timed all this perfectly to keep you just north of relaxing.

Look, I’ve got people I’d love to connect with too, but if one of you opens up to the group and you end up having an honest but lengthy moment you could cost me two tables and this is technically a six top.

Automatic 20 points on a full six top.