First off I just want to address the elephant in the room which is our corporations unabashed shoveling of children into our ecosystem. This is a good thing. People vote with their dollars. If this were wrong, it wouldn’t be making me money.

Some of you have pointed out the discrepancy between my sweet barbecue presentation of virtual reality and the reality of virtual reality, in which you are virtually groped by a preteen who, perhaps worst of all, is on a hot mic way too close to its face.

I am optimistic that, going forward, I can continue to issue apologies.

The best defense is a good offense. Instead of complaining about being groped, have you even tried being the one doing the groping?

The Metaverse Is Happening

Everyone is talking about this. I’m talking about it, the press who need my corporation to survive are responding to my mandates to talk about me talking about it, and barely-sentient children are yelling racial slurs about it on hot mics way too close to their faces.

Our moderation team are working around the clock to get a handle on these issues in the ways that really matter. Namely, in English.

A lot people said virtual meetings would never happen on Skype. Then we had a little pandemic and all of a sudden, people around the world are having virtual meetings every day on Zoom.

Wouldn’t it be so much better to be able to do that in the metaverse, where, instead of Zoom or Skype making money off the transaction, I did?

Connecting People Is Good Except For People Connected to Me Who Say It’s Bad I Want to Disconnect From Them

I know there are problems. But those problems existed before our corporation came along. The only differences are my unimaginable wealth, my unfathomable haircut, and my hilarious and yet deeply depressing bungles of philanthropy.

A lot of people have called for me to resign. Even my own employees. But ultimately, connecting people is a good thing. And that’s why all the people calling for my resignation have been connected with our security team.

So come on. Do more of what I want you to do, even though it’s clearly bad for you. After all, people still smoke.