Man Who Asked for Open Marriage Shocked by Unforseen Partner Shortage
"I had no idea I was entering a sexual Sahara."
Author’s Note: upcoming screening of my film The Mostly Serious History of Wine at City Winery on Feb 19th. Watch the film any time at Apple, Amazon, or YouTube, but if you’re in ATL I’d love to see you.
Your pal,
Jim
”This stuff is gonna destroy all your notions about modern sexual health,” said Doug Buntz, 42. “You just better put on a kevlar hat or something because this shit’s gonna shock your brains out.” Buntz addressed reporters Monday afternoon after collecting a participation trophy by the Open Marriage Society.
“First of all I want to thank the Open Marriage Society for recognizing our participation in the program,” said Buntz. “I’m sure it’s just an oversight that my wife’s name is etched on the plaque but not mine. We’ll get that corrected.”
Buntz then began a presentation outlining his results so far.
“You can see here, last year, I was having a normal amount of sex,” said Buntz, indicating a graph of his recent sexual history with a laser pointer. He then paused the presentation. “I want to warn you. The next part of the presentation is raw data. Some of y’all are probably snowflakes, or whatever, so buckle up.”
The assembled press and other interested parties indicated that they were ready.
Buntz continued, “Look at this point in the data. Once Jen and I agreed to open our marriage up to more sexual partners, things just fell off a cliff.”
Buntz scanned the audience at this point, clearly pausing for outrage or alarm. Someone coughed quietly.
Buntz repeated, “…off a cliff!”
Mr. Buntz then shared a few case studies that seemed promising to him before the opening of his marriage which did not, “pan out.” Some potential prospects who had been kind to him or smiled at him in his personal and professional life, it seems, were not interested in adding sexual intimacy to their interactions.
“This goes right to the very heart of the polarization of our society,” said Buntz.
Buntz agreed to take a few questions, but refused to comment on or compare his wife’s results to his, dismissing those figures as “immaterial.” But sources close to Ms. Buntz indicate she is experiencing what she has called a, “joyful awakening she never thought possible.”
“I haven’t seen those numbers,” insisted Mr. Buntz. “I’m just here to talk about my findings. You members of the main stream media ought to do your jobs and report on what I’m seeing.”