Monastery Librarian Pledges Himself to Ancient Scrolls No One Has Masturbated to for Centuries
The sacred texts!
Harry Pullman came to the monastery at St. Augustine’s on the Tumescent peninsula 20 years ago seeking solitude and a deeper connection to his faith. But soon after he arrived, he found a new dimension that changed his life forever.
“I realized that these records were severely attention-starved,” said Pullman. “They needed to be dusted off, translated, restored, and, where possible, masturbated to just like in days of old.”
The library’s little-visited sections contain hundreds of years of scrolls, parchment, and other ephemera. To most, they are little more than trash.
Pullman smiles as he looks over the collected works. “To me they are a window into history.”
Though Pullman admits many of the texts are a challenging tug at best he says he is uniquely qualified. He stops short of calling it a God-given gift, but admits that he finds inspiration even in simple examples.
“I am but a humble servant,” he says. “God challenges us all in His great wisdom. Some of us are athletes. Some people bear the burden of being a single parent working to keep their family afloat. I can pound off to an unfinished limerick, scrawled gardening notes, or a 13th century bill of lading.”
Pullman shrugged. “All part of God’s plan.”