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Nation Waits for Jan 6 Committee to Finally Order Burrito
You know what we need. You know what to do. Do the thing.
Tensions flared yesterday evening at Oaxaca Dave’s between the entire US nation (as represented by the staff of Oaxaca Dave’s) and the Jan 6 Committee.
Dave Mason, owner and de facto national representative, said, “I just told them, guys, look, it’s clear we all want to see a burrito get ordered. It’s the obvious thing here. Just order it and I’ll bring it.”
But the committee, jammed into two four-tops and taking up space that could have been occupied by other more decisive customers, preferred to rest on procedure.
“The chair recognizes that a burrito would be a critical part of overall deliciousness,” said Rep. Bennie Thompson, (D, MS). “It further recognizes that without sustenance, the organism at hand could expire. But it also recognizes that it is the sworn duty of the establishment staff to communicate the formal request for said burrito to agents of this establishment who will then, if they see fit, serve it. We, as the committee, are merely charged with recommending or not recommending the burrito, a task which we now believe we have the evidence to fulfill.”
Sources report that a voice from the kitchen shouted, “Pendejo!” but also noted that such shouts are frequent and possibly not relevant.
“I’ll do whatever they want, but we’re gonna close soon,” said Dave, shrugging. “Marvin’s gotta go get his kid from gymnastics. We can’t wait forever.”
“No one is above a burrito,” declared Rep. Liz Cheney, (R, WY). Critics say Cheney is only pretending to enjoy burritos for the moment. But for now, at least, she sounds resolute. “We will show the American people that burritos are for everyone. At some point.”
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