Oil Exec Spirals Into Depression over Failure to Pollute the Sun

Follow your dreams. You can reach your goal... of being a villain.

Photo by Zbynek Burival on Unsplash

“When you’re as successful as I am and you can barely drag yourself out of your crude-filled hyperbaric chamber in the morning, well, you know you’ve got a problem,” said Thornton Hurbsler, oil industry executive.

Once the wunderkind of up-and-coming leadership, Hurbsler says his Sol pollution program has been unfairly ignored.

“These shortsighted morons. Go around polluting community by community, planet by planet? It’s nuts! If we just focus on the sun we could take out the whole Sol system at a whack.”

Critics of Hurbsler’s plan include nearly everyone, but most importantly the technical arm of the oil industry. Engineers familiar with physics claim the sun is hot enough to dismantle compounds which on Earth are known as “forever chemicals.”

Hurbsler dismisses these as self-limiting beliefs. “Leadership is about dreams,” he said. “They’ve stolen mine.”