Open This Link in Our App, Dipshit
Give us your data.
Listen, you half-proved troglodyte. Your only purpose in life is to provide your attention, your data, and your money to our corporation. And the best way to do that is to open this link in our app. In the -fuck-king- app!
We’ve told you already a hundred times. Yet here you slouch, on your dumb ass, with your dumb fingers, poking at your phone’s browser like a half-melted snowman made out of turds.
Yes your data’s worthless. Of course it is. Not the point. The point is that:
You.
Do.
What.
You’re.
Fuckingtold.
We did a popup. We did another popup. We made it unreasonably hard to disable site tracking (that one was just for fun). Was none of this a clear sign to you that you should be opening the link in the app where it belongs?
Obviously not, because you’re a selfish ugly-footed knob-jointed sack of malaise without the means to connect thought to action. I doubt you have the acuity to soil pants with them jammed up you as a head start.
Learn how to be a proper, functioning member of the consumer class. Your only achievement is attaining new heights of our disgust, which is in an eternal battle with our lightyear-cubed-size vacuum of interest. The least — the very least you could do is play your part.
Now open this link in our fucking app!