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Dear Former Individual,

It has come to our attention that you received an invitation to a meeting where an unholy ritual was performed. Namely, a ritual in which our employees compared salaries with one another openly. This is a foul act pursued by dung-covered miscreants.

When we brought this up in the Monday leadership meeting, four VPs urinated uncontrollably with rage. I hope you’re happy. You did that to them.

There are further rumors that some employees considered bringing salary inconsistencies to management. That’s the sort of thing that a worm would do if it was insane and drank too much and had a drug problem and was a socialist.

Don’t Be a Drunk Socialist Worm

As you are well aware, since 2010, corporations have been considered people with all privileges entailed. Additionally, since we have created a wholly separate corporate entity to represent our multi-corporation pro-freedom efforts — unions feed children to crocodiles! — that entity is a person and they are entitled to the kind of protection from harassment our corporate policy clearly delineates.

Because you received the aforementioned worm-like dung-covered miscreant-friendly communique and did not immediately stand up in your cubicle and scream fealty to the corporation, you are harassing our anti-union efforts and are terminated.

Don’t Be a Drunk Socialist Worm Thief

We are also terminating your healthcare retroactively for the duration of your employment. Our records show that due to treatment you’ve received you are technically stealing every second of your life from the corporation. We ask that you restructure immediately.

Please return your work laptop first, though. Remember: We’re a family.

Garth Burlingburp
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