Our Company is Hiring Experts in Every Area Except Salary Negotiation

We only take the best of the best who are ignorant of their worth.

Photo by Eric Prouzet on Unsplash

Are you looking for a job that suits the best of your talents? Do you want to be respected, challenged, empowered? Have you collected valuable skills your whole life while also somehow being a world-class ignoramus about what they’re worth? We’d like to hear from you!

You’ve picked up all the know-how your collegues missed. You’re the one in your department who, like it or not, everyone turns to when the chips are down. And you’ve never, ever considered whether your hard-won grasp of how everything works might be a valid reason for a pay increase.

At our company we take fast-paced to a new level. Whether we’re describing our services to our clients or glossing over your health insurance benefits, we know that the end doesn’t simply justify the means, it celebrates them. It meets them, smooches them, and selflessly romances them until they jiggle.

At our company you will:

• Start with remote opportunities and not-too-bad work/life balance

• Have access to a broken ping pong table and an elliptical machine brown with sweat from 2004. Whose sweat even is that? Is that person alive?

• Slowly be given more and more responsibilities that somehow require you to come to the office but also can be done remote when you’re on “vacation”

• All the over-roasted coffee you can drink out of a machine that has never been cleaned

• Eventually be pressured to work in-person 60 hours a week and answer communications off hours for another 20

• Become part of a noble culture of work-for-work’s-sake that is offended by the concept of payment

• Receive token awards once a year at the CEO’s megamansion before realizing that the party is over for you when the leadership team and their spouses and children board the CEO’s second largest yacht and sail away

Hey. Business can be confusing and details can matter a lot. That’s why we need you: someone who gets off on that kind of thing.

So come on. Dust off that resume. Make sure you have a decade’s experience in everything except for a massive, incontrovertible blind spot regarding your own worth. You’ve earned it!