Discover more from The Laughing Gallows
Our New Ebikes Will Change Your Whole Approach to Getting Hit by Cars
I used to pedal all the way to the crash. No more!
Remember the fun you had on a bike as a kid? Say hello to reliving that feeling of freedom without the burden of exertion. Say hello to our new electric assisted bicycles. And then say hello to a truck.
Don’t Just Get Crushed! Spend Money and Then Get Crushed
There are two wolves living inside you: one that wants to endanger other people by riding your bike on the sidewalk, and the other willing to be endangered by riding in the street.
Regardless of which you decide to be, lack of infrastructure, damage, or illegally parked cars will force you to become wolf 2.
But with our new ebike, you’ll be fresh as a daisy when you’re whacked off your bike like a golf ball off a tee.
Assuage Your Slothful Guilt With Expenditure
There’s nothing more American than freedom. In this case, the freedom to start a business around a non-solution to a real problem. We’re living that freedom. And it ain’t cheap.
What is money if not bundled human exertion? By spending money, aren’t you, by the transitive property, actually sort-of kind-of working out? We say yes! Not just “yes,” but fuck yes!
Remember carbon offsets? Imagine those solidified. Hell, some of the carbon offset projects aim to do exactly that: solidify airborne CO2. What does that have to do with our bikes? What do you care? You’re gonna get hit by a car!
We’re Faraday, or possibly Maxwell, or Ohm (whichever is still available) and let’s face it: legs are dumb. Hey, Chickens have legs. What are you, a chicken?
The Laughing Gallows is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.