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Sources inside the Kremlin say Stepan Stanislavovich, head of the Russian air force who recently ascended to control of all Russian military branches, is delighted to have been promoted. Yet he seems reluctant to attend his promotion ceremony which is to be held on a high floor of one of Russia’s tallest buildings.

Publicly, Stanislavovich’s staff has thanked Russian leadership for trusting him with his increased command. But Stanislavovich’s office has never clicked “Accept” on the calendar reminder.

The situation has been compounded by a peculiar series of incidents this week. First, tourists accidentally spilled glue on all the windows. This was immediately removed. Next, the window cleaning crew was apparently bribed to weld the windows shut from the outside. They were thwarted when they forgot to bring a long enough power cord. And later in the week, some say upon hearing of the previous two mishaps, Stanislavovich accidentally but thoroughly stapled his uniform to his desk while wearing it.

He then had himself hastily loaded on a truck which departed Moscow for the front lines of the war in Ukraine.

Stanislavovich admitted that being stapled to a desk would be an impediment, and that it would preclude him from flying in the very planes over which he enjoys command, but said that traveling by land would be safer. “Now that I am commander of the army as well, I prefer to stick to good old safe technology like bridges.”