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Dahl Leramount, star lawyer of the firm Cheatham & Charge, has an impressive win record. But the real story might just be the lawyer’s ability to settle cases before they make it before a judge.

Or the real story might be the fact that Leramount is apparently not a human being but a man’s business suit full of American currency.

“Sure, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a great lawyer. The guy’s unstoppable,” said Fred Duciary, who has faced Leramount multiple times. “I wish I had his record, I know that.”

Law Professor Harry Greetie of Skandell University agrees. “The question is not whether Leramount is or is not a stack of cash. Nor is the question whether or not any of this is legal. The question is who can afford to take it to court. And the answer is Leramount.”

Cheatham & Charge have racked up win after win on behalf of petrochemical and pharmaceutical corporations. But critics say it’s unfair to allow money to act on behalf of interests of human beings. Some say money lacks the capacity for shame.

“If that were a question, and I’m not saying it is, I wouldn’t dare to speculate,” said Duciary. “I could never afford it.”