Starbucks Drops Pumpkin Spice Latte Because Mix of Flavors Feels "Too Much Like a Union"

Happy Labor Day.

Photo by TR on Unsplash

“The only way flavors are ever going to get ahead is if they present a united front,” said Jay Quevara. He says he’s leading the charge to get what he calls, “PSLs” back on the fall menu.

When asked about hard feelings between himself and local Starbucks, he admitted, “I’ve had to resort to some guerilla tactics.”

Quevara is currently banned from a handful of Jamaica Avenue area Starbucks locations for subverting the drink labeling process by insisting his name is “Pumpkin Spice Latte” even though his order is a frappuccino, thereby confusing and irritating baristas. “They’re starting to crack,” he said.

But Starbucks representatives disagree.

“We’re not starting to crack.” said Oliver Beansercheep. “Look. Listen. Let me be clear. We’re dropping Pumpkin Spice. With that many flavors mixed together? Coffee will lose its individuality.”

Beansercheep said the Starbucks brand coffees already enjoyed a great workplace where they are ground up by high quality burr grinders and then introduced to high-pressure hot water. “Why mess with something that’s already working for our elite investors?”

Quevara, tearful, said Starbucks simply can’t do this to pumpkin spice flavor mix. “The people won’t stand for it,” he said. “Pumpkin flavor mixes of the world unite!”