Student Failing On Purpose Shocked by Being Graduated Anyway On Purpose
Oh how the turn tables.
“It’s crazy, no cap,” said Brayden Moore, 14. “I did everything bad and they are graduating me.” Moore scrolled on his phone for a few seconds. Upon further questioning, he responded, “What?”
Moore’s teachers, speaking on condition of anonymity and assurances that their exaggerated sarcasm would be duly noted, seemed to indicate that Moore had it coming.
“What?!” exclaimed Teacher 1, “Are you suggesting that we might just graduate away a kid who is an obvious disaster? Someone we have torn our hair out to cater to yet failed repeatedly because he’s trying to fail and taking other students down with him?” She then emitted a series of performative gasps which reporters are, as stated, obligated to note as sarcasm.
“It’s almost as if we do the best we can for these kids,” said Teacher 2, gesturing broadly as if in pantomime, “but without the funding we so often beg for...” Teacher 2 was cut off mid-sentence by the irrepressable need to grit his own teeth. Again, we are obligated to note that this is mostly sarcasm though the teeth-clenching seemed very real.
“May God help that kid,” screamed Teacher 3, falling to her knees sarcastically on the storytime beanbag. “I hope he gets whatever he needs far, far away from here!”
All three teachers wailed audibly for a long moment. They linked hands in mutual support and performative sarcasm. Teacher 2 gnashed his teeth. Teacher 1 added, “Very far away.”
“There’s only so much I can ask of my faculty,” said Fred Agogee, Principal. “Some kids need help we can’t provide. Some parents actively make things worse. Sometimes the shop teacher builds a full size working trebuchet and threatens to fling certain kids into the Jackson’s fish pond a mile away.” Agogee shrugged. “Sometimes it’s graduation or trebuchet.”
As for Moore, when asked if he would continue doing his best to fail when he arrived at his 9th grade classroom next year, he responded, “What?”