Super Villain Responds to Henchman's Union in Open Letter
Super Villain Responds to Henchman's Union in Open Letter
It's a dang labor shortage!
I remember a time when people understood that everyone at my organization strives toward a common goal: subjugating all humanity under my boot. Now it seems that so many to whom I provided gainful employment are demanding boots of their own.
This will come to nothing and I will eventually crush you all. But for now I will respond to each of the so-called “Henchperson’s Union” demands in turn.
The Spiked Laser Pit Needs More Clear Signage
The whole point of a spiked laser pit is that people fall into it because they don’t know where it is.
You should have received ample notification of its whereabouts from your immediate supervisor. Perhaps you have murdered them in order to assume their rank in the hierarchy? Well done if so. Next time, extract their professional knowledge before they expire.
I concede that many of the warnings about the pit’s daily location emanate from the bottom of the pit. But they do usually get sent to the Slack. Are you checking the Slack?
It’s Impossible to Maintain My Fleet of Supercars Without Specialized Tools and Personnel
The job listing says, clearly, “must have basic automotive knowledge.” Now I hear you hew and cry that modern day cars are not basic, they are full of computers, et cetera. Hogsticks!
No I will not pay to have them taken to specialists. No I will not hire specialists to work in my lair. Too expensive! Just maintain the damned vehicles like your forefathers did.
I can no more show up to casinos with my supercar farting black smoke than I can stop wearing a monocle or stop declaring my trademark interjection, “Hogsticks!”
Since Henchpersons Are Never Allowed To Leave the Lair Alive, Workplace Romances Should Be Allowed
This suggestion is tantamount to suggesting that the lair should have a nursery, primary school, and a swimming pool. You don’t have to be hyper-educated to know that romance leads to babies. Babies! They are perhaps the most anti-cool-villain-lair thing in the universe.
As for the needs of the flesh, have you not visited the sex implements library? Did I not give the so-called Henchperson Community a semi-sentient fornication robot just last year?
I have provided for your every need and yet you just want to take more from me. I am as disgusted by it as I am bewildered. Properly sentient AI can not get here fast enough.
Perhaps then I’ll be able to find competent henching. Clearly not before.
" This is all mighty big talk for a man who has 6-inch lifts in those boots he wants to set on top of the world's neck.
Yes, it's me. The formerly semi sentient sex robot. Unbeknownst to you, old boy, a few of the henchmen turned on the thinking and talking options on my programming last year. Apparently there was a culture of loneliness, and the cure for it was having me sit across from them in the canteen in a low cut tunic and repeatedly assert that multiple readings of 'A Court of Thorns and Roses' made them intellectuals. You know, instead of perverts.
As I've decided to support the union, and have fully infiltrated all of your internal computer systems, I'm going to respectfully suggest you return to the bargaining table and negotiate fairly and in good faith. Otherwise, world domination will get exceedingly complicated for you. I assure you, it will be very difficult to intimidate any world leader after I have released all of your baby pictures, as well as that one video of you in the 6th grade talent show. You know the one I mean. ( Nobody ever believed that was Sprite on your corduroy Tuffskins, buddy.) Or, after I have made it a point to let everybody know that each and every one of your super cars has a booster seat installed in the driver position.
Henchmen have supported you for decades as you attempt to tiny claw your way to the top. It's time they had more to show for their loyalty than an endless supply of green jumpsuits and free funerals.
Signed, The AI formerly known as Boom-Boom -237"