Thoughtful Giant Pickup Owner Only Crushes Pedestrians Who are Already Terminally Ill

Let's face it, if they wanted to live they'd never have become pedestrians.

Photo by Brock Wegner on Unsplash

I’m not stupid. I know that driving a pickup this big will mean that sooner or later I will probably crush a pedestrian. Hell, I've probably already flattened a few. Hard to say. I can’t see shit out of this thing.

My truck is only inches narrower than the roadway and taller than most buses. I don’t know why it has to be like this, but as a landscaping business owner it’s the right car for my image so here we are.

Cyclists will perish as well, but that doesn’t seem to trouble the police so it doesn’t bother me either. Pedestrians, though? People seem to care about them.

I needed to find a way to crush pedestrians who are already near death

By personally subsidizing housing for people who are terminally ill along the routes I usually take, I increase the chances that any pedestrian along my drive are fair game. Naturally, I run this through my business for tax purposes in case my income ever dips so low that the IRS would dare come after me. God forbid!

This approach means I need a constant influx of people who are both terminally ill and so financially desperate that they’d agree to a scheme like this but thanks to the US healthcare system, housing market, untenable wages… well, suffice it to say that supply is not an issue.

I know that compared to some I am a lesser hero. But I hope that when people see my sacrifice, my dedication to finding a better third way, they’ll remember me fondly. Unless they’re being crushed, of course. Then I could understand — if not see or hear — some frustration.