Unlike Lesser Men I Don't Just Buy Stuff I Pull The Trigger on Stuff

I'm a rugged man of action who just grabbed some upscale foot ointment (on sale).

Photo by Shipman Northcutt on Unsplash

Listen up, you flolloping piss-pants. The name of the game is status. Having stuff shows you have status. That part is child’s play.

But if you want to run with the big dogs you gotta switch into my big ol’ hairy gear and change the way you brag about getting that status.

That’s why I don’t just buy stuff, I pull the trigger on it.

BAM! Lightening Bolt to your Tender Bits

“Oh, I just went online to weak-ass-low-status-male dot com and bought some hand lotion.” That’s you. That’s what you sound like. Even if it’s decent lotion that sentence makes me sick.

Now check this sentence out:

I just got paid on friday and I blew my whole wad pulling the trigger on some hand lotion.

See how much more erect that is? I can feel the Mississippi changing course to engorge Florida, if you know what I‘m saying. Share this post if you know, twice if you don’t.

Get Hard: Pull the Trigger

You want to be hip deep in your preferred configuration of willing nubiles? Damn right you do. What are they gonna do when they find out you just “buy” stuff like any old oatmeal-soft idiot?

They’re gonna get dressed, leave your house, and drag you on socials and you’re gonna deserve it.

How are you gonna keep them right where you want them? Pull the trigger on turning over a new hairy testicle.

Ess. Tee. Ay. Tee. Ee. Ess. Status.

Locked and loaded, rock and roll, chest hair soufflé.