Welcome to My Fetish Which Is Also Our Customer Support Line

All our problems will be solved when we value your call.

For me it’s all about riding that line. Your anticipation — of receiving help, or information, or a correction to your bill — drawn out like drawing a thread of gold from an ingot. How fine does that thread get before it snaps? That question contains my universe.

We begin with the declaration of changes

Has anything changed? No. I continue to prey on you. And yet, conventions must be observed. The menu must warn you of recent changes.

This is the first moment when most of you will consider just hanging up. But we will have the words spoken just fast enough to give you the impression we mean to get you the help you need. It needs not be said but I will anyway because the words are like truffle butter in my mouth: we will not get you the help you need.

Welcome To My Volume Thrusts

I’d like to apologize for the way our hold music is so low in volume. I realize that it lulls you into a false sense of security which is then obliterated by a pre-recorded message telling you we value your call blows your eardrums out of your ears and maybe out of your house.

Yes, I’d like to apologize, but I can’t because the thought sends shivers through me with the force of a herd of muledeer through a wading pool. The very idea of your wincing face as you are deafened by a distorted voice telling you we value your call is all the balm my soul needs for a lifetime.

New! You can talk to actual people who are empowered to do nothing

This is something we just added and to say I’m excited about it is to undersell the concept of excitement.

Instead of merely boring and frustrating you until you hang up, we now actually connect you with representatives, but they have zero power to do anything except apologize.

This leaves you in a limbo land where you are being apologized to by a low-level employee who is in no way guilty for your situation. Or in other words, you will have the sneaking suspicion that you are now the bad guy. How does that feel? Wait, let me answer your question. It feels erect.

I get it that most of you will find my fetish distasteful and I’d like to respectfully remind you that’s also part of my fetish. If you want to get rid of people like me, you can try voting, but we’re spending all the cash we used to spend on customer service on lobbying and bribes, and here’s the best part: this way is cheaper.