CEO Asks for Holiday Donations to Local Single Digit Millionaires
Every little bit counts, guys. Dig deep.
Hey fam, it’s me, Aiden, your fearless leader and CEO of TechSlurp. What a year it has been, huh? From the highest highs to the less notable highs, I trust you all have enjoyed my TikTok.
But even as we revel in those highs, let’s not forget that the TechSlurp family helps those who need it. Let me introduce you to Braiden.
Brilliant Leader, Hard Times
Braiden is the CFO of F*CKPI. You all already know the groundbreaking work they’re doing over there, mining digits of pi for the banking sector to use in cryptography.
Any number you can think of? Yeah, these guys have mined it.
Unfortunately Braiden is reaching the end of his Series A funding round and will soon possibly have to grab his golden parachute. It’s just a matter of time before the right person hears about his numbers and takes F*CKPI global, but unlike leadership, time cannot be upskilled.
Data Security is Sacrosanct
Not only that, Braiden has recently run into troubles at home thanks to a security breach. I know. Scary right?
Get this. Some people outside his company found their way into his company phones and accessed personal data about his relationship history on the laughable basis that those persons are his wife and mother of some of the kids who might, pending litigation, be his children.
Suffice it to say, Braiden has hit hard times and, much as I hate to say it, it’s likely he will dip into what we call “single dig” this year.
Did I Mention We’re A Family, Fam?
So, hey. Let’s help someone who needs. If you just skip one avocado capuccino per day, over the course of a single year you could make a difference a guy like Braiden could feel for five seconds.
Or, if you really want to get into the Holiday spirit, simply opt out of the TechSlurp HealthSlurp health plan and we will redirect a portion of those funds on your behalf. It’s the right thing to do to help our friend.
Don’t forget we’re having a big Happy Holidays Return to the Office Forever Party on Dec. 26th. Make sure to pitch in for cake and pizza. Your cubicles are so ready to have you back!
The Laughing Gallows is a reader-supported publication, not a family. If it were a family, it would immediately become anoyed with itself and move across at least one continent if not an ocean and a few mountain ranges as well. Share this post with everyone you know and urge them to subscribe below or else the billionaires have won. Kidding, of course, they have overwhelmingly already won but you should still subscribe.