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Here's the Simple Procedure for Opting Out of our Autonomous Leg-Severing Machine
You wanted to keep that? Well, ok. I guess.
Our robot has to be trained, and the only way to do that is to send it careening into public. Okay, a few legs got severed. But they got severed for progress, you dumb clods. Why do people fear progress?
Some of you are way too leg-centric.
Regardless, it is with heavy hearts but legal box-checking that we announce a new update which will allow users to opt out of potentially being transitioned into a leg-challenged demographic.
Read on, but know that we think this is lame. Poor choice of words? Suck on it, clods.
Here’s How to Opt Out Which is Not Cool But Whatever
Download our app. This should go without saying because everyone should do this anyway. Side note: even when we are complying with a court order, somehow we’re allowed to make you do this, lol. Crazy, right?
Put in all relevant data about yourself from most valuable to least valuable.
Disable all functions on your device and network that would protect you from data theft. If someone in your home understands privacy, hide this from them. If you’re using an adblocker you are gutter muck.
Read our corporate partners ad popups carefully and in full.
Call the special hotline listed deep in the documentation on the secure server and wait on hold as long as it takes. Your call is important to Us.1
If and when you reach Us, repeat the information you’ve uploaded to confirm. Now do that again.
Wait 30 to 60 business days. Avoid sidewalks, parking lots, workplaces, nature, and homeplaces during this period.
Your Legs Are Now Your Responsibility
Should you have an encounter with one of our robots during the time it takes us to roll out your request, remember that leaving your severed limb lying around is technically littering.
In summary, we regret that it has come to light that we’ve known about the rare persistent issue with lopping legs off. And yes, we prioritized other matters instead of that one, putting the public at what some harm-nannies would call “harm.” But we also ordered very comfortable hoodies that say, “Changing The World” in a cool design.
Hey! One last thing: Hop on our newsletter and you could win additional free newsletters from verified business partners. Poor choice of words? Not at all.
The Laughing Gallows is the sort of publication that would have written a limerick here. But because this section doesn’t allow formatting the text in the way a limerick would require, it’s just this paragraph instead. Anyway, hey, why not subscribe or share this post?
Ulysses “Us” Connors is our call center family team member (1).