I Support a Return to Full Time Office Work For One Simple Reason: I'm a Burglar
Think of how my industry has suffered during this time.
Straight off the top, let me speak for the entire burgling community by saying buy more guns. Smaller than a TV, easier to carry, more valuable. Unlike a laptop, they hold their value for a long time. Please buy guns.
It brings me no end of joy when I’m mid-burgle and I find the little guns arranged all nice-like on a pegboard with LED lighting. The thought of you finding your pegboard bare as a post-party dinner plate electrifies me. But, I digress.
What I really need you to do is to leave home. And that’s why my industry fully supports a return to work: so that we can burgle the shit out of you.
Leave Your House
You’ve got to get out there and rescue the frontline-est of the frontline workers: capitalism. Think of how capitalism feels with all those empty offices, all those un-driven miles of highway. Bad, that’s how. And it’s your fault.
Little known fact: your predatory lease or predatory rental agreement does not grant you more time in the residence than ten hours per day plus weekends. For most of that you should be asleep. By being home and awake more than 50 hours a week you’re actually stealing from me.
You’re blocking my ability to burgle. You’re a job un-creator!
Go Back to the Office
You love working from home. I get it. There are many hurtful misconceptions about the way the world works. If you’re like that, most likely your stuff isn’t worth burgling which means I’m not talking to you. You probably don’t even have one gun, let alone multiple, let alone a LED-lit pegboard.
I’m talking to your boss. The person who, when they return to the office, they’re returning to an office.
If you’re out of the house, during the daytime, and you have some burgle-able stuff, thank you for your support during this unprecedented and financially injurious burgle-drought.
The rest of you should take a moment, in the mirror, to whisper the word, “shame” to your own face, you dim swine.