"Let Us Smash Your Stuff" Startup Promises to be the Uber of Boycots
Don't just destroy your stuff. Let us do that.
There’s nothing more American than reasoned political discourse. It goes all the way back to the Boston Tea Party, in which proto-American patriots whipped up a bold brew of economics and civil disobedience while bravely flicking the digestive biscuit of racism right off the saucer.
But, honestly, who has time? We do. That’s who. We’re Lettuce Smash. Leaf it to us.
We’ll Tell You What to Buy
The news cycle is moving too fast for anyone to keep up. But thanks to our overseas news farms we’re able to condense the days outrage into a simple index of what products to buy and then destroy.
Just fire up our app, take a look at the Lettuce Smash index, choose the product that matches your rage, and we do the rest.
Leaf It To Us
Are you still burning your sneakers when you should be smashing your beer? It’s embarrassing. And it can happen to the patriotest of patriots. But with Lettuce Smash, you’ll not only never fall victim to stale outrage, our prediction engine can correctly forecast future outrage thanks to our AI-Patriotism Big Data Eagle Engine.
And with our new subscription service, Regular Lettuce, the stuff you need to destroy can show up at your house before you even know you need to get rid of it. Slap my neck and call me a mosquito, that’s bloodsucking value.
We’ll also save you the effort of doing the actual smashing by sending a very legal worker to your home. Or, for an extra level of privacy, you can simply meet them at a nearby parking lot where they already live. Just video, Let us Smash, and upload. Easy!
Don’t just smash. Let Us Smash. We’re LettuceSmash. Leaf it to us.
Btw, with that name, you're just going to get signups from a horde of horny vegan incels who think it's a new form of Tinder. Hmmm... Actually, charge them triple fees.
"The digestive biscuit of racism "? LMAO! They perfected the recipe, opened a factory and started serving it with every meal.