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Medieval HOA: SVU 4 - The Block Party
Protect ya neck.
[Latest installment in the Medieval HOA series written in collaboration with my esteemed colleague of . Thanks for reading! Find previous installments here. -Jim]
After Block Party Report (ABPR)
I will begin with the successes. Former wizard Randywine and Thangmar were both beheaded by Two-chop the Accurate. That was before the madness and bedlam.
With help from the city guard and many ropes we did anon get the moat monster back into the moat. Feared enemy would attack during this operation but many were content merely to laugh.
Still unknown what caused moat monster to smash into the block party area. One of the guardsmen suggested the monster is “emotionally stressed” and thus wanted to get its head chopped off. I can not comment.
Mayhap the cause was the noble moat fiasco. It might have been too much for the monster to bear.
Regardless, with the escaped llama and then the moat monster smashing into the town square, it appears the Valtesse did escape her bonds. No trace of her remains in the margravate. There are traces of the llama, however, which was flattened by the moat monster.
I Demand Redress
Verily, I believe your margravate doth owe me an apology and a replacement llama. For you see, I hadst no idea that any “bloc soiree” was happening in town, and I certainly had no idea that a noblewoman would begin the festivities by kicking honest llama men.
When the woman asked my business, I stated my surname as is custom. Then I was immediately kicked extremely hard in the buttock. It was almost as if the woman took my family’s proud name as permission to kick with the strength of an enraged llama.
This brutal attack caused me to fall over into my llama cart, freeing my llama, injuring my elbow and opposite buttock. Both hemispheres of my buttock area, known to doctoring men as “pants hams,” are now sore and bruised.
My llama, Greg, was later crushed. Thou art well aware how this transpired. And to make it all worse, I was then asked if I’d like to have my head chopped off in order to help the margravate get something called a “group rate.”
Please direct your funds to me for my replacement llama at your earliest convenience.
O, How I Laugh at Your Stupid Margravate
Not only has your attempt to reveal me to my superiors failed, your block party resulted in the near-complete destruction of your homes. The ones that weren’t already on fire, mind you. And it looks like you’ll be needing to find a new moat monster as well.
On the bright side of the shield, so to speak, I am still available to receive your money and I can still stop our soldiers from killing all of you. You have anon noticed a lull since they are, like me, consumed almost entirely by laughter at your expense.
Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha!
The Creeping Shrub
A Charlatan Has Copied My Notice Board
It has come to mine attention that a local charlatan has copied my idea for the town notice board, installed his own notice board on the opposite side of the square, and is now getting more notices upon that board than I upon mine.
I am melting like a summer candle and yet so filled with rage I could do a mile long shit.
I have already attempted to duel this charlatan, as you know from reading our competing notices upon my notice board, but my Mummy bade me stay my hand. Which is good. For I am powerfully deadly. Ask anyone who works for me. Do not ask Mummy.
I would like to know, in all haste, what thou intend to do about this charlatan: one Mr. Malik Zoetemelk.
P.S. I might have stood in the square and yelled, “Any person who wouldst copy my notice board may do so!” but I bid you ignore that.
Please Find Attached Your Invoice for Heads Detached
It was a great pleasure as always to visit your margravate, especially for the block party and beheading.
While it did go a bit awry toward the end when everything was smashed, on fire, and the enemy were all doubled over in laughter, I am pleased to report that, thanks to your suicida
and extremely destructive moat monster, you have qualified for my group rate.
Because said moat monster demonstrated so clearly that it wished to be beheaded, and because I did oblige by trying to chop its head off, I am pleased to add those chops to my invoice, which puts you well within group rate territory.
Even though its scaly exterior defied my forceful chops, I do charge BTC or by-the-chop as you know. Thanks to our pre-party discussions, I know this will come as great news to you.
The other two lost their heads much more easily as you saw. Great success all ‘round, I feel.
Breathlessly awaiting your payment,
Two-Chop the Accurate
We Must Memorialize the Brave Nobles Who Died in the Moat
Forsooth, what be adventure if not ignoring peril? When warned repeatedly that their boat was ill-designed, cursed, and an insult to all seafaring vessels, did our brave nobles listen? Nay.
When assured by all who learned of the expedition that a stained glass boat for viewing the moat monster would, in the event that it didn’t sink immediately, certainly result in the occupants being crushed by the moat monster, did they then take heed? Nay.
And did all those things come to pass resulting in the loss of our brave nobles? Big yes.
Yes they were explorers of the moat. Yes they were somehow able to ignore the moat-stink. Yes the boat was already sinking when they were crushed. And in life they were all murderously abusive to everyone around them. But let us not forget: they were wealthy.
And so, we should honor them.
Yours in reverence,
The Noble Preservation Society of Nobles
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